In the Land of Flaws

It’s funny what comes to your mind at strange hours of the night. I usually over think, however, its different tonight. I normally don’t blog during such times, but I think its necessary right now. For the past week, my dreams have become increasingly more realistic and vivid in a harsh way. Allow me to explain, in each dream, it has something to do with my worst nightmares or the things I dread or that make me anxious. Something you guys don’t know about me yet is that I suffer from anorexia. I’ve been on every end of the spectrum in regards to weight and eating. I never had a good grasp on eating. With my mother being a nurse, you would probably expect her to catch on fast. This however, is not the case at all. I usually get this anxious feeling whenever my nutritionist appointments are near. That dreaded day is coming on Thursday. Oddly enough, things for the most part turn out fine. The mind makes things worse than they really are in the midst of scary things. I know that these thoughts are affecting me now because I made the choice to share this with you “all”. Its not something people really understand. It’s like cancer. I can’t relate to peoples with cancer nor can I fully console someone with cancer because I’ve never gone through it. Therefore, I’d be going off of how I think I would feel rather than real life experiences. For this reason, no one can relate to me in terms of friends or family. To be honest, I have two friends who have dealt with “Ana” (as individuals with eating disorders call it). The problem is, even anorexics and bullimics don’t have the same experiences. My best friend never really talks about it. She is rather shy and dealt with it mostly when she was younger when I was oblivious to the topic. I still get the vibe she has those “thoughts” from time to time; however, she learned how to stop them in their tracks. My other good friend, dealt with Ana for only a short while. She makes it seem as though she was relieved after recovery although she admits at times she still calorie counts. So, what does this mean? How do fully recovered anorexics and bullimics think or feel? I know its different for everyone, and I’ve heard a lot of different stories. You can’t determine whether someone is fully healed from anorexia or bullimia (specifically anorexia) by their weight gain. Anorexia is a psychological disorder which in turn places physical defects on a person. To say I am fully recovered is a lie- that will take years as the majority of  diagnosis do. To say I don’t have set backs is a bigger lie. At the same time, to say I just don’t even try is a lie too. Every time I eat; that’s me making the conscious decision to eat. Its like a big fuck you to Ana. During my empowered moods, I seek revenge and plot to destroy or belittle Ana.. I’ll gather up enough courage and eat pizza or eat with family or eat more than she tells me too. I know I’m going off on tangents here, but that’s just how my mind is right now. I feel like I need a calming voice. Something to act as a Buddha to soothe the insanity that lurks from within. Times like these make me question how far I’ve actually come from my lowest points. Perhaps I’m frustrated at how slow this process is taking. Maybe its the set backs or just me being too hard on myself. Something needs to go right in my life. I need a spark of inspiration or positivity. That’s all I’ve wanted for a while and it just seems to get worse and worse. Come to think of it, maybe that’s why all of this has been arising for the past few weeks. One can only take so much negativity before they burst. As for now, it’s quotes and inspiration seeking. My thoughts are the thing that destroys me more than anything. I wonder if that will ever change. Until next time, stay strong. Stay beautiful.

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