Sleeping Souls

Life is full of ups and downs. I’ve had to learn the hard way with this and this past week has proven me right. Quite honestly the past few weeks turned me numb. I got little sleep, fought a lot more, and tried to go about my normal routines all at once. As you know by now, I am striving to recover from anorexia. As it turns out, over the past few months I’ve been regressing back because of a ton of stress. The sad part is, I felt forced to be positive which made the whole sleep/finding pleasure in eating/thinking about myself things a whole lot worse. I stopped talking things through, I stopped sleeping, I constantly fought, I just gave up to save something valuable to me. Fast forward to this morning when I scheduled an appointment with my guidance counselor to discuss how I can improve my involvement with school activities. Lets be honest here, I just wanted out of my classes. Unfortunately, whenever I have an appointment with the guidance department, I find it always ends up talking about my issues with food. My school wouldn’t be involved right now if it wasn’t for my instructor accusing me of being a bullimic last year. Long story short, my guidance advisor was “concerned that I lost weight last week during midterms” (Implying I gained it back of course). My problem is I got no sleep last week because of other personal issues and I had a nasty stomach bug. Meaning, I was dehydrated and lost water weight. Which thankfully I gained back by now. Evidently, she realized I was stressed and told me to relax. It was never a secret that I am a perfectionist. In some ways, I strongly dislike going to my guidance counselor because she makes me feel like I’m in the wrong for acting certain ways. She used to flip if she noticed a fluctuation in my weight. However, today was different. Perhaps it was because my mindset has shifted over the year. Perhaps its because she didn’t think it was too serious. Or rather that she was happy I came to her because she knew how hard it is for me to reach out to others for help. Either way, I came to realize that my school didn’t really know whether or not I was still getting help. It kills me and makes me feel even more of an outcast when my other teachers stare at me as though they expect me to drop dead. They clearly don’t understand eating disorders. In fact, I was walking up the stairs to get to my locker before homeroom when a young gal was telling her friend she was “on a 500 calorie diet”. If I got a better look at her, I would have talked to her. Girls are particularly blind to the dangers of extreme dieting. I know what I am talking about seeing that I have been up and down the scale for my whole life. To reassure my guidance counselor,  I offered to have my doctors update her every now and then. Hell, for all my school knows, I’m lying to them and I never went out to get the help. Regardless, its just something that makes me a bit disappointed on a whole. My nutritionist obviously understands more about food. My school is nervous for my over all well being..I suppose. To be honest though, if they really were concerned they would try and get information instead of waiting a year for me to come to them. Leave the nutrition to the nutritionist please. It will do me a hell of a lot of good. Lets be frank, eating disorders are emotional and psychological disorder that leads to physical destruction. If people just asked me how I felt or focused on the emotional aspects, then I’d be able to fix the problem. But here I am on another one of my rants. I just hope all goes well tomorrow. I’ll be damned if I lost a significant amount of weight. For now, I just need to make up lost sleeping time. Until I write again, stay beautiful lads. 

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