Nothing but Numbing

Is there a rock I can crawl under? Any offers? Anyone? I just got home from seeing my nutritionist  As it is, I did lose weight. No. Not just a few ounces- pounds. Not one or two, but five. Shit. I don’t know how to explain to my mom. I didn’t intentionally try to lose. I talked it over with my Allison, my nutritionist. We discovered that with every thing going on in my life I just wasn’t paying attention to eating.  I really thought I’d gain too. Man, its so disappointing. I had to confess a lot to Allie. I had to tell her I haven’t slept in weeks, that my schedule was so off and that I had to do the “lets try and cram in all calories lost while I was trying to make up sleep” game. My heart sank when Allie said my weight hasn’t been this low since the summer. Just another thing I can tell my mother. My mother understands that I haven’t been myself at all lately. I just wanted to run away screaming. As it turns out, my life has been fucked up lately. I just tried so hard to numb it out. Let me tell you something, I was shaken tonight. I saw my mom’s face when I saw my weight. I’ve never been more scared in the past few months in regards to losing too much weight. Before I left Allie asked me if I would prefer her to email my mother rather than talking to her. I knew I’d have to talk to my mom, I couldn’t handle the anticipation. Its obvious my mom would rather hear it from me than Allie. The whole way home, my mind made everything so much worse. All I thought about was my mom freaking out. Its just so much. All of this is a slap in the face. I felt like I had to numb myself over to stop the pain of other things. I just made this huge hole for myself and now I’m suffering for it. I guess I’ll deal. Until later..

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