Good evening, “all”. I can’t believe it’s not even eight o’clock here yet. I meant to write yesterday, but I was pretty caught up with work. Have you ever had that anxious feeling that just doesn’t go away? That pretty much sums up the week so far. I’m walking around school so nervous mainly because I’m getting weird vibes from my teachers. They stare at me like they did last year when they were concerned about my ED. Just to add to the stress, I’m trying to get back to the old habits I stuck to before I was in a relationship. I’m getting there, its just foreign. The one killer in my life right now are my dreams. They have never been so vivid before. They literally scare me to the point where I wake up sweating and out of sorts. It would be different if the dreams were somewhat relevant. Oddly enough, this is not the case at all. Part of the dreams are full of my biggest anxieties, the other parts are extremely symbolic or depict the future. Its kind of like my subconscious is trying to erase the past. I used to try and numb over my feelings and erase bad things that happened so that way I don’t hurt people. However, it’s like I’m doing it while I’m sleeping now just as though doing it during the day isn’t enough. Perhaps I have too much to numb over. Strange, isn’t it? More over, it appears my mother keeps holding off my therapist appointments. I keep scheduling whenever the next available times are, but my mom keeps making excuses of why I can’t go. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I feel like a huge freak. Just in case I didn’t feel like a fucked up enough, I went to go see my guidance counselor again yesterday where she straight up told me that she doesn’t think I have any one to talk to so I should schedule appointments with her as much as I’ d like. Yeah, right. I’ve heard enough from people. I need time with me. It might sound selfish. But I know people don’t know what to tell me, so they end up telling me what they would do (because they think they can relate to me) or try and tell me what they think I want to hear. Either way, it doesn’t help. I’ve always said this, but I’m tired of being everyone’s “experiment”. I’m nothing put a paycheck for my many doctors, I’m just another ED case, a file folder and a bunch of recorded documents of my fucked up lifestyle. I know I’m more of this, but sometimes, others make me feel like I’m nothing more. Regardless, I know I have to live with myself for eternity. Maybe I should start to appreciate it. Hmm. Until later, sweet dreams, lovies.