Dying Dream

Good evening,  “all”. I can’t believe it’s not even eight o’clock here yet. I meant to write yesterday, but I was pretty caught up with work. Have you ever had that anxious feeling that just doesn’t go away? That pretty much sums up the week so far. I’m walking around school so nervous mainly because I’m getting weird vibes from my teachers. They stare at me like they did last year when they were concerned about my ED. Just to add to the stress, I’m trying to get back to the old habits I stuck to before I was in a relationship. I’m getting there, its just foreign. The one killer in my life right now are my dreams. They have never been so vivid before. They literally scare me to the point where I wake up sweating and out of sorts. It would be different if the dreams were somewhat relevant. Oddly enough, this is not the case at all. Part of the dreams are full of my biggest anxieties, the other parts are extremely symbolic or depict the future. Its kind of like my subconscious is trying to erase the past. I used to try and numb over my feelings and erase bad things that happened so that way I don’t hurt people. However, it’s like I’m doing it while I’m sleeping now just as though doing it during the day isn’t enough. Perhaps I have too much to numb over. Strange, isn’t it? More over, it appears my mother keeps holding off my therapist appointments. I keep scheduling whenever the next available times are, but my mom keeps making excuses of why I can’t go. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I feel like a huge freak. Just in case I didn’t feel like a fucked up enough, I went to go see my guidance counselor again yesterday where she straight up told me that she doesn’t think I have any one to talk to so I should schedule appointments with her as much as I’ d like. Yeah, right. I’ve heard enough from people. I need time with me. It might sound selfish. But I know people don’t know what to tell me, so they end up telling me what they would do (because they think they can relate to me) or try and tell me what they think I want to hear. Either way, it doesn’t help. I’ve always said this, but I’m tired of being everyone’s “experiment”. I’m nothing put a paycheck for my many doctors, I’m just another ED case, a file folder and a bunch of recorded documents of my fucked up lifestyle. I know I’m more of this, but sometimes, others make me feel like I’m nothing more. Regardless, I know I have to live with myself for eternity. Maybe I should start to appreciate it. Hmm. Until later, sweet dreams, lovies. 

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10 responses to “Dying Dream

      • Sweetheart. i know exactly how you feel. i might not know u personally, but your blog gives a good insight to yourself. your mentality seems to change a lot throughout the posts. In the beginning you seemed positive with your boyfriend (?) and things fell apart. my bff, (the person who also commented) suffered from bulimia and i wanted her to see this because she is having a hard time. I know how it feels to feel cornered and having no one and no where to run to. when me and my boyfriend, josh (yea im gay haha), broke up i went through depression. it affected everythin. my family, friends, my course grades. i even fluncked my biology final (college students here ha). the only person i had though was my friend who was going through bad stuff too. you should always rememeber the people who took the time to get to know the real you. whether they distanced themselves from you or vice versa, or something happened. “Sprinklz” as she wants to be known as haha, was the first person to get to know me. i even came out of the closet to her first. There were times where we fought and became almost strangers, but we always looked at the brighter side of things. those are the peopel you want in your life because clearly they wanted to know you and you wante to tell them about yourself.

        Lots of love,
        Charlie 🙂 Stay strong

      • You guys are the best. This made my day so much better. ED’s are a bitch, depression is a bitch and a half. I’m more than sure that you guys are well aware. It’s so reassuring to know that people are reading this. Even though its only two people, its more than I could ever ask for. All I wanted was to impact people in some way before I die. Thanks lovies!

      • Oh and just so u dont think we’re freaks, someone posted this blog on a self-help forum that me and “sparklz’ use. they said it might be give a better insight into the ‘dealings of special but troubled person’. they were def. right! so dont worry, im ure you have more than two readers haha. i just wanted to mention how much i enjoyed it

      • oh and if you want to chat, ill be back on after my macroeconomics class around 7 eastern time.

  1. I was deeply touched by what you had to say. I must say your writing style i amazing, it made me feel as if I was with you through those hard moments. The best of luck! XOXO

    – Sprinklz

  2. Hey Charlie! I totally agree with you on her writing. She should totally write a novel. As a victim of anorexia, I was wondering what self-help forums you have been looking at. I’d appreciate it if you let me know where you have been looking. thanks!

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