The Assemblage of the Lone Ducks

What a long day? I want to start off by saying how little things can have the greatest impact. Yesterday was rough with my mom. I should stop going on Facebook or rather, I should have kept it deactivated. Its too much to go on and see all the drama. Half the time all I see are boobs and girls disrespecting themselves in their bathroom shots or all this necessary drama. I’m not one for drama, so as you can probably gather, it’s not the best social media site for me right now. My mother gets mad when I deactivate my account. She wants me to stop being so awkward and more like the other girls. Perhaps its because when she was in high school she was the jock who had all the friends. Regardless, that’s the point of my big birthday party coming up in April. Joy.. *Activates sarcasm button*. Back to small things having big impacts, I checked my account last night before going to bed and read that I had two comments. After reading them, I wore the biggest smile. So much so that my creator who was walking into the room commented on it. That’s something no one sees these days. My smile. It was nice to have it back for the time being. It was a friend coming for a visit. Do you guys ever have those friends who are manipulative and use you because you might be..a pushover in most respects? Or because they know that they can use you because you are nice? This is my “friendship” life. My friends for the most part use me as a therapist. I am the one they go to if they need something. This also entails them leaving when I need something or someone. I don’t ask for much. Hell, when it comes to friends I really don’t ask for anything but respect and a non judgmental ear when I am going through hard times. This isn’t the case. I find that even with my best friends its hard to tell them everything. Come to think of it, none of my friends know a whole lot about me. You might be asking yourself how this all works out. It all starts with them having a problem. They know I wont judge them or try and hurt them, so they come to me. I don’t judge others because I cant judge others. I’ve been judged and teased from a young age. I refuse to succumb to those who have hurt me. I learned from all those people’s mistakes. I always put myself in other people’s shoes before I come to conclusions about people. They talk to me for hours and hours over the phone. I talk them through all of the emotional “stages”. This consists of tears, anger, yelling, ranting, tears, anger, yelling, ranting, acceptance, burst of energy, and finally, thank you for being here for me’s. BAM, gone until the next time something comes up in their life. I am not complaining in the slightest about helping them. As a friend that’s what I do, however, if things weren’t so one sided and they let me talk once and a while then maybe things would be better. I generally don’t talk about myself a lot. I am human though, and I do have problems. Like I mentioned earlier, people I even consider to be best friends, I find it extremely hard to express how I am feeling to them. Its like a big wall I’ve had since birth. As if that wasn’t hard enough, being on all ends of the weight spectrum and through depression and all things related makes it extremely hard to relate to people. It’s sad, but I really don’t have that person to look to. I never did now that I think about it. It’s just me when it comes to coping. Of course I know somewhere deep within that people are here for me. But how strong is that? I used to believe in this more until my first diagnosis and everyone just seemed to vanish when I needed them most. People turned on me. It seems as though with all these new diagnosis’s, more and more seem to leave me. Not like I blame them, but I just find it frustrating. Being with myself in my own fucked up mind all the time gets to be too much. Hence all the depressions and anxiety and nerves. I noticed that as all the added stresses leave, I see things differently. A perfect example would be my physical education class today. Third period, we had a fire drill. Outside my class walked to the creek my the front of the school. As my teacher took attendance, I took a glimpse behind me. Far off in the distance, I saw a duck afloat on the frigid waters. I lost myself in this duck. If any one else saw this creature, they would just pass it off as nothing. To me, it was the thing that kept my mind at rest. This calm feeling grew from within and I began to think about this duck. My school has been undergoing reparations from Sandy. Thus, they decided to cut down all trees and fix the wires around the institution. All I could think about was this poor winged fellow going about its business with all this construction going on around it. Despite everything going around it, the commotion did nothing to the bird. His whole world was dying around it, but it went on because he knew he had to. What kept him from going on with life? His family? His friends? Himself? Maybe he was a loner. All the while, this had an underlying beautiful aspect to it. Whatever it was he was that kept him going, this duck was strong for making the conscious decision to go on rather than letting all these burdens and let downs significantly impact his life. Nature is a beautiful thing. My hope is that I can have a vivid outlook on nature (specifically life) like I did so long ago. The moral is, I should get all these remaining stresses out of my life. It’s definitely not easy considering my perfectionistic ways, but for now, I think its best. Life will always hold its own hassles, but its how we handle it that determines our stress levels. Until next time, stay vividly beautiful, lovies.

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