Februana

Hello “all”. For those of you who don’t know, February is eating disorder awareness month. Ever since my relapse, I’ve been thinking about eating disorders quite often. Its been tough, but I’m trying to get back on track. If there are girls out there reading this that are going through eating disorders or have low self esteem or feel the need to diet; just know this, in the end, being skinny doesn’t define who you are. When you leave this world, your jean size won’t define who you are, the accomplishments you make will. Through all my thinking, I made a new philosophy. People (basically my mother and doctors) constantly asked what started my eating disorder. I was never able to put it into words, until now. I’ve come to the conclusion that I was born with the mindset of an eating disordered individual. I was a heavy youngster which lead to a lot of teasing. I remember when I was five this started. People began to poke fun at different parts of my body. I recall being really embarrassed. One of the earliest onset memories was one summer when my parents enrolled me into a summer camp. The proctor set us in a line to go to the bathroom before breakfast. I was five and this boy behind me was looking up my shorts. Before I realized this, I heard a bunch of kids snickering in the background. “Why is it all fat up there?” He asked when I turned around to find the back of the line hysterically laughing at me. All I remember was blushing and feeling embarrassed. I began to tear up and remember breaking down later on that day. It’s funny, I blocked that out for a while. Looking back, as a five year old, I wasn’t huge. Sure, I was taller than the other kids, but I wasn’t ginormous. I never had a great relationship with food. When I turned twelve things took a turn for the best/worst. (More on that later). The fact of the matter is, dieting isn’t worth it. Who am I to speak, right? I know because I’ve been on all ends in regards to the weight spectrum. I “can’t” eat most things without having some type of phobia. I would give anything to have a different mindset. No calorie counting, eating without worrying as much, eating and enjoying what I’m eating. This isn’t a life you want to live in. I never realized how much food plays a part in life until I turned twelve. Restricting something that is so vital to living is terrible. Especially when you have a voice or as I refer to it, a “person” telling you that you “can’t” have something. A person my age, shouldn’t be worrying about all this, I should be focusing on other things people find “important”, like going out and enjoying life. Anorexia and bulimia are drugs. Trust me, its hard to love life when you take drugs. I read something the other day. When your basic needs of nourishment aren’t met, you can’t go on and accomplish other goals. This makes perfect sense. School used to suck, I would slack off in this category because I wasn’t giving my body what it needed. I wouldn’t (and sometimes still don’t) go out with friends because it was too much stress and I didn’t want to add stress to my life. Being skinny isn’t worth hating life. I know if I was reading this I wouldn’t think the writer was insane, specially if I still thought being skinny is of the utmost important goal. Please, guys and gals alike, just nourish your body properly (especially through adolescence), so you can partake in this journey we call life. Be happy, be healthy, be yourself. 

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