For the Sake of Enjoyment

Good afternoon, lovies! *She says as she sighs out of relief* Things have calmed down for once. I have a huge amount of energy, something I haven’t had in months. I can’t even remember the last time I felt so energized before. Things are still a bit on edge at school with a few teachers, but you have to pick and choose your battles, right? I knew that after seeing my nutritionist last Thursday things would feel calmer. I hoped things would go good with her, and my hopes came true (for once, thank Buddha). I’m taking things slow. There is a mutual agreement between my doctors, my legal guardians and I now. We decided that we aren’t allowing my school to be involved any more. The way I see it, I go to school to learn, I go to the doctors for my weight and food. What’s done is done. Oddly enough, the paramount thing that is keeping my mind off all of this is my shindig. I never really wanted a birthday party. I don’t like the attention and I think this birthday is a cliche one to celebrate. Hell, I don’t even think any one will come. The thing is, my mom was really adamant about me going through with it. My friends soon followed in supporting this ideal. As you can imagine, I went through with it to make others happy. For my mother, I used to be under the impression that she wanted me to have one because she wants me to get out of this awkward “stage”. Sorry to break it to you, mom- its not a stage. However, I’m starting to starting to see that my mother unit (as well as my friends), want me to have it because they know I never care enough about myself. I’d rather everyone else be happy. I’d sacrifice my happiness for anyone to be happy themselves. That’s always what I’ve done. Planning this shindig kept my mind off of everything else going on and after telling my therapist, she challenged me to push myself. I talked to her this past Tuesday and she wants me to make a contract saying that for this one day, I’ll put myself on my list of people to care for. (I’ve never been on this list). I’m not comfortable with this idea, but now I have to make the contract. Its scary. I’ve never had to worry about my happiness or enjoying myself. It’s not in my breed to enjoy things. I’m used to making sure others enjoy things. How does one enjoy themselves? How does one focus on one’s self? These thoughts have consumed me lately. I’m trying to come in terms with the thought of being genuinely happy in a day of focusing on myself. My friend Anna suggests that I take a day or two out of every week and do something for myself. But what? I don’t like to buy things for myself, I feel guilty. Everything these days cost money. That’s another problem. Money. I’ve been going to see my therapist and nutritionist for the past two to three weeks because of my relapse. On the way home from seeing my therapist, my mom mentioned how I can only see my therapist every other week or even better, once a month. (Money is a problem.) I was over come with guilt. In 2010, I used that as an excuse to get out of help after she threw the financial burdens I placed on her and pops in my face during a fight. Silence consumed the car ride (On my part nonetheless.) She tried to reassure me throughout that car ride that I shouldn’t feel guilty because I need the help and it’s for my well being. “I feel like I ask for too much. Too much money.” I argued. “This party, and all these doctors appointments.” It just made me think more about how none of this would have happened if I didn’t have this stupid psychological disorder. Mind you, I scheduled an appointment two weeks away- improvement. I suppose that will be my only appointment in March. Maybe I should push it further in case something happens. I insisted in paying. “No. You are not paying. You don’t ask for anything, the doctor appointments are for your health, I’m going to get you better. This party is for you. Don’t feel guilty. There is no need to feel bad.” Mom kept mentioning over and over in attempts of making it stick. It didn’t. I can’t keep doing this to them. My older brother is going to college in the fall, my older brother entering his high school education the same time too. What am I to think? What am I left to do? As of now, just stop thinking about it. Since I’m not at the climax of all the stress, stopping my irrational, sporadic thoughts are easier now. As for now, it’s all planning and taking it one step at a time. Until next time, stay warm, lads 🙂

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