When Life Calls

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Ah, March! Can you believe it? Its almost spring, something that is semi sweet for myself. Last year, I felt like I was in a better place in regards to food. This lead to a lot of thinking and coming to conclusions as I’ve mentioned in previous publications. My goal you might ask? Getting on, because that’s all I can do. I have to stop getting aggravated and hot headed over my teachers scarfing the whole food thing down my throat. I’m sure they wish that comment wasn’t figuratively. Regardless, I’ve been really energized and happy lately. I’m positive my definition of happiness is different than the average man’s definition. But hey, happiness is happiness. (Unless of course you are a John Lennon-then Happiness is a Warm Gun.) But let’s be honest here, I’ve come a long way in terms of emotions. My nutritionist appointments have become unique and slightly scary. I was asked about my fear foods due to my mentioning them. Now, for the past year, we would talk mostly about the food and only a slight bit on fear foods, but now there is a push for conquering more of these. I’m well aware of such foods, but I never realized how much more I have to get through. My curiosity was sparked, and thus, I took it upon myself to begin a fear foods list. My oh my, how long that list is. Mind you, I didn’t even write everything down and it was extremely long. Last year, during my worst most darkest stage of anorexia, I refused to drink water at points. “Water weight?! Hell no!” Can you guys believe I still have a phobia of bananas? Or pasta? That doesn’t go over well in an Italian family. How about the silly fact that I can eat peanut butter or bread, but when they are together its like WWIII. Want to hear something that would make any kiddo cry? I haven’t had cake in five years. Five years of no birthday cakes, five years of no summer ice cream cake memories, five years of no wedding or celebration cakes. Chances are, I won’t be eating my birthday cake this year, but I know I am going to get there. My list then spread to certain social situations. Eating out at restaurants. I’ve done this before, but it’s still scary for me. Ordering what I want is another story. This has gotten better, but at the same time, I know Ana and ED have their grips on me. I wish, as I am sure every other lad facing recovery does, that recovery wasn’t so frustrating and hard. It isn’t suppose to be easy, but it just reaches a plateau sometimes. The most frustrating part is getting stuck in front of this wall where you can’t move and don’t know how to move. It’s a process. It might take years, but I hope I’ll get there. In other words, I want to stop counting calories, I want to stop obsessing over food, I want to stop worrying over irrational things and stop feeling drowned by the authority that Ana and ED place on me therefore I can start living. Is that too much to ask? Perhaps. But I have a lot to offer to this world in this lifetime (emphasis on THIS) according to multiplesources of family and friends. I disregard all nevertheless. Until next time, stay beautiful, lads. 

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