An Eye for An Eye Will Get You Nowhere

I don’t know about you guys, but when it comes to fighting or arguing, I am a hopeless lad. I try to avoid such things as much as possible. I’ve developed unhealthy ways to handle situations which led to the inevitable building up of a huge barrier or output of emotions. This is, in part, due to years of people knocking me down and telling me off or that I’m not right or good enough. If it just started now, I would be able to handle it differently of course, however, when you are five its a lot harder. I remember feeling embarrassed or anxious when ever people would point out my flaws or tell me that I was wrong and that they were right. (Specifically in regards to opinions). Air-go, I to this day do not express my opinion with certain topics. Something that has affected me the most was my poor relationship with my mother. In terms of communication, it’s always been “off”. It wasn’t until a few years ago when my family and friends would comment on it. I was mortified. It was out and I wanted to avoid it at all cost. My therapists have noted on this over the years. I so desperately wanted my mother to be with me in the past few appointments with my therapist, however, mom always accused my therapist and myself of “attacking” her. Only once other than my initiation into help did my mom attend an appointment, prior to last Tuesday. Ironically, the attacking statement is invalid because when my mom and I argue, I tend to shut down. I just stop because I am known to be Switzerland ( I am a neutral species.) Our fights are very dominating and over all, our generic conversations are off. Its as though we speak in foreign tongues to one another. I speak as though she were a stranger and it works two ways. Tonight, tonight was another feud. She commented on a celebrities weight gain in a jeering manner which hurt me. My legal guardian tends to make comments without thinking of how it will affect those around her. In relation to me, making a teasing comment of weight gain was like my mother saying gaining weight is frowned upon and is therefore a laughing matter. I gave her a puzzled shocked look. I didn’t say a thing when she asked what my problem was. I just got up and walked outside where I sat in the thirty-five degree weather while it rained. I waited for my grandparents to pick me up to go out about twenty minutes later. Did mom come out to talk things through? No. When I got home, the following events occurred just as I expected. Acting like nothing was wrong. Trying to make small talk. It escalated. Long story short, when we argue, and I ask for time to unwind, it just leads to more arguing, instigation, and flipping out. I asked her to see where I was coming from and how it hurt me. It made no impact. I was wrong in her eyes, something expected. Perhaps it was because when my mother knows she isn’t particularly right or agreeable in a situation she gets defensive. We haven’t spoken for the rest of the night, which was much needed. Don’t get me wrong, I am not looking to be right or to win. I just want to be heard for what I’m feeling. All I wanted was for her to see that her comments on someone’s appearance (specifically on something like weight gain) impacts me. For now, its time for Pride and Prejudice and tea. Until next time, stay mellow all you lovely lads.


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