Psst, anyone there? It seems I have abandoned you “all” for a while there. My apologies. Things around here have been pretty chaotic with the party being only five days away. I still can’t believe it. The kids at school started a countdown that began about a month and a half ago. It gives me the shivers each time they update it. I feel like I still have so much to plan. So much to do, so little time, aye? I have discovered that I am Nick Caraway (For all you who aren’t Great Gatsby enthusiasts, Nick is the nararator of The Great Gatsby, its a great read.) In the novel, Nick forgets it is his birthday. Luckily for me, or maybe, unluckily, my friends and family are here to remind me ever so often that its approaching on the fourth of April. It’s almost unreal to think about it. I mean, time comes and goes. I think with all that’s going on, I have a tendency to let the fact escape my collection of thoughts. Even with this shindig coming this weekend, I feel as though I am planning it for someone else. This is feeding grounds for my perfectionism to take charge. I’ve had to digress quite a lot recently. Any who, something I forgot to take care of (or rather, I’ve been putting it off) is my contract for the party. For those just tuning in, my therapist challenged me to write out a contract. Its obvious that I don’t care enough about my own feelings, so she wants me to promise I’ll at least try. I was going back and forth debating whether or not to post it up here for everyone. I doubt you guys would care, but in a way, I think it would challenge me more to stick to it. So ladies and gents, my contract:
I Anonymously Yours, promise to try for one day to take time for myself and enjoy the party. I’ll try to seek pleasure through the day being focused on me. I will try to calm all thoughts and actions of perfectionism. If I slip up, I will forgive myself and move on to try and entertain myself in other ways. I will push comfort zones for the experience purposes, and go out of my element. I will try to forget about making things amazing for everyone else and get to a balance of enjoying it more for myself. Over all, I will seek happiness in some aspects of the party. I will put all those anxieties and nightmares aside, and focus on just having fun. Its only a party, I am only this age once. I will try to pamper myself.
Referring back to the “anxieties and nightmares” from above, I’ve been having vivid nightmares about the attention that will be on me during the party. Just the fact that this shindig is for me gives me the creeps. They’ve been getting worse as time passes. I hope I can just put it all aside. I usually make “calming” thoughts lists in my head. Perhaps I’ll make a post about rational thoughts for different circumstances or how I replace anxious thoughts with rational ones soon. What do you guys think? Until next time, boogie down, lads. 🙂