Silence of the Mouth Means Thinking of the Soul

Sometimes when I open up to others, I begin to see how messed up I actually am. In fact, opening up to anyone leads to this realization  Perhaps it stems from their stand offish reactions. On the other hand, maybe it is due to the fact that hearing my thoughts catches me off guard. It begins with the little things, the way I talk. According to fellow acquaintances, I speak with a more mature tongue. It places me outside their circle. A more complex vocabulary is foreign to them. I can’t express to you enough how many times I am forced to explain the words I use. I have to stop sometimes and remember that not everyone has an expanded vocabulary. This eventually stems to the “uncharted” zones of my thinking processes. I’ve been speaking up more on a plethora of different topics which leads to a great deal of questions. I gathered that it was because people’s thinking patterns don’t trail the same path my thoughts do. Just the other week, my adored aunt Mary Ellen came over for a visit. As she asked if bullying was a major issue of today, my brother, mother, and aunt insisted that it wasn’t a paramount problem of today’s age. Outraged, I rebutted against it. Of course it is! I went into how screwed up our society is and further compared it to prior decades. I pulled in statistics regarding eating disorders,self esteem and societal standards. The whole situation bothered me in regards to the opposing parties attempting to sugar coat the truth. Our ignorant society prevailed in the three persons of the opposing party. I made my strong points, but all the while, I never realized just how far or how long I went on. I was defending my thesis to the death. I could have gone on well after that too, but my mother and aunt attempted to change the topic. The magnificent Aunt Mary Ellen stressed that I visit her for an afternoon to “further discuss the pressing issues”. I suppose it is inevitable that I thoroughly enjoy spending time with her because she isn’t afraid of the truth. Undoubtedly,  the hardest thing to get across to people are my eating disorder thoughts. In relation to the food perspective of the disorder, I know for a fact that no one can authentically understand what goes through my mind unless they too have been through it. Although I don’t expect people to understand it; it still baffles me how blind people are in terms of self esteem issues or how ED’s are on the rise. There are times when I want to expose my interactions with ANA and ED, but I know people will take it in ways that will end up in turmoil. People can be harsh. I know for a fact I won’t care what they have to say, but I don’t want to be bombarded with an army of questions. In relation to the emotional aspect to the disorder (or the root of all evil), I see how I am placed in comparison to others. I have a few personality traits that are ultimately associated in having the potential to being doomed with an ED. I have always put others in front of me. This also concludes why I will go into a relationship (either personal, friendship, or family) I will always be apart of it in order to maintain their happiness. During my last appointment with my therapist, she asked me what I got out of one of my friendships, I had to think long and hard. It really took a long time to come to the inevitable truth. Her happiness. Subsequently  we listed other relationships, the same question was asked, “What do you get out of these relationships?” The same answered applied to each. This also makes sense of why I stay in these poisonous relationships until I am either on the brink of a relapse or in an awful state of mind trying to make their lives easier. In other traits, I have always been a perfectionist. On personal levels, nothing is ever good enough. I can never please myself even if I get to where I want to be. It’s pathetic in my eyes. This also explains why I can’t thoroughly enjoy things to its fullest. Then again, my anxiety part contributes to this. It’s a very complex way of thinking which is probably why people get turned off so easily. In the long run of things, as I grow in age, I’ve learned to accept more about myself and life in general. My goal for now is trying to enjoy the food I eat. It might seem simple and like a mere request, however, for a lad in my situation, it is a cumbersome undertaking. What can I make of my cognition system? Even I can’t answer that. Perhaps I won’t ever know due to it being much to complex for my comprehension. Until next time, don’t give others the power to make you feel inferior for your superior ways of thinking, lads. Embrace being a complex subject. 🙂

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