Stand By Me

There are times when motivation runs low, and I need something to guide me through the opaque darkness held within. Lately, I’ve been traveling on a higher more powerful road that has been a brilliant adventure. I figured that next time I hit another bump in the road, I can effortlessly see this as a reference or a guiding light of some sort.  I took it upon myself to extract my thoughts and put them down on paper a few months ago in regards to reasons why I wish to recover. Sometimes it serves as a good motivator. The list consisted of a collection of pages listing a plethora of reasons to recover.
Reasons to Recover: 

  1. So my parents can stop being concerned about me
  2. So my brothers can stop worrying
  3. For the sake of enjoying what I eat
  4. To fall in love for the first time
  5. So I can start living and stop just surviving
  6. So I can eat what I want when I want
  7. One day, I want to go out with friends and not obsess over the food
  8. So I can go to parties without angst
  9. Instead of focusing on food, I can focus on more important things
  10. I can stop counting calories
  11. I can look like a human and not sickly
  12. I can live up to my full potential
  13. Let’s be honest, diet food SUCKS
  14. I can order something at restaurants that I actually want
  15. I can be healthy
  16. I can have energy to get things done
  17. I can be a contributing factor to society
  18. I can eat like a person my age and enjoy it while it lasts
  19. I can live life to the fullest
  20. I don’t have to feel guilty
  21. So I don’t feel restricted
  22. Because fuck what other people think
  23. So I can say I have fully recovered
  24. So I can have a family when I am older
  25. So I can grow old with the ones I love
  26. Because I want to fully partake in my social life
  27. Knowing that a number on a scale does not define me
  28. To be there to dance with my brothers at their weddings
  29. To be there for others
  30. To not be constantly terrified of nutrients that grant me with life
  31. Because hating myself is exhausting
  32. To be able to think clearly again
  33. To be able to forgive myself
  34. To look in the mirror and be proud of what I see
  35. So I can appreciate the company of my family and friends without feeling like a waste of space
  36. To raise awareness to others
  37. So I can look alive again
  38. To take control over my thoughts
  39. So my hair gets stronger
  40. I have so much more to live for
  41. I can’t make an impact in the world if my foundation for living is not fully met.
  42. Because I am stronger than my abuser
  43. So my holidays can be merry and bright
  44. To make all the deceased sufferers proud
  45. So I can prosper in my music and writing and help current sufferers with what I overcame
  46. So I can tell people why I miss school constantly
  47. Quite frankly, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired
  48. So I can eat something and not feel guilty or obligated to work out
  49. To be able to have a coherent conversation without repeating myself or losing focus
  50. Counting the amount of months I’ve been recovered is infinitely more gratifying than counting how many calories I’ve eaten.
  51. So I can truthfully say “I’m okay”
  52. So I can stop making food diaries
  53. No more doctors appointments
  54. I can spend my after school hours doing what I want instead of going to my doctors.
  55. My family and friends need me
  56. My life is more important to me than my ED
  57. To earn trust
  58. When I recover, I want to show my family how to eat healthfully
  59. I’ve been through too much to die because of my disorders
  60. To further build on my confidence
  61. No more irrational thoughts
  62. So I don’t become just a memory
  63. To be able to enjoy myself at a restaurant
  64. To show the others who said “You can’t” that “I can”
  65. So I can look in the mirror and stop picking apart every aspect of my body
  66. So I can have a body of a person my age, not a kid.
  67. To be able to think about more things than calories, and food, and weights, and calories, and food, and exercising, and food, and calories, and starving, and food, and calories, and binge-eating, and purging, and calories, and food, and goal weights…
  68. To have dreams, not nightmares
  69. So I can be the athlete I used to be
  70. Because I deserve better
  71. To cease the pain
  72. Because my body should be a temple.
  73. Fuck the media
  74. So I can fit into my clothes
  75. To be able to fully apply myself in school and everything I set my mind to
  76. I want to find love
  77. I want to go on as many adventures as life offers
  78. I want to travel
  79. So I can look my parents in the eyes and tell them I recovered
  80. I want to have a successful recovery story
  81. So I don’t have to say “No thanks, I’m not hungry” a billion times a day
  82. So I don’t feel afraid when I am alone in my house
  83. To wake up in the morning and feel proud of myself
  84. So I can don’t have to question if I will be here in the morning
  85. So I don’t go into relationships for the sake of the other person’s happiness
  86. Not feeling obligated to suffer for other people
  87. To finally see what other people see in me
  88. So my parents don’t think they failed
  89. Because someone, somewhere, might need me one day
  90. So people don’t cringe when they see my body
  91. To be able to eat my birthday cake
  92. So people don’t feel obligated to touch me to make sure I’m living or to make sure my pulse is normal
  93. So my family and friends can hug me because they want to, not because they are nervous about how many bones they can feel
  94. To prove that happily ever after can exist to some extent
  95. So I don’t have to look at my childhood pictures and think about how much I stress I put their body through
  96. To be more productive with my time
  97. So I can relate to people with food and generic things
  98. Because everyday life is a war, and it’s a battle worth fighting for
  99. Life is too short to
  100. So I can talk about my dreams without choking up

There you have it. Some reasons why I wish to recover in a nutshell. If you have any reasons why you want to free yourself from anything, please feel free to comment below. Trust me, this is a judge free environment. The first step in fixing a problem, is laying it out there. It’s a stab at your addiction or disorder which can be stimulating and freeing. Until next time, be free from any downfalls you may possess, make them your strengths, lads. 🙂

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2 responses to “Stand By Me

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