Embracing Internal Peace

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Good morrow, lads! Here it is, only three more days of school left until sweet freedom arises! With every year that passes, and every summer that approaches, I learn more about myself. This year, I am more laid back in regards to trying new things. In general I am open to experiencing new things and don’t feel the need to turn situations down. (Only if it is of taste of course) In regards to weight and food, I’ve come to the conclusion that for the most part, I am more accepting of my body as time goes on. Yesterday, I had this overwhelming, power that dictated my thoughts. I evolved my thoughts with the dangers and impacts of eating disorders and how to go about it. Why? Who knows. It was out of nowhere. Nothing good came of it, rather, I found myself reading up on other people’s experiences in recovery. I have those moments periodically. Perhaps it is because I am in this recovery alone without other lads going through the same struggles that come with recovering. Reading up on others can have one of two outcomes. One, it can make me excessively paranoid thinking about how much I impacted (and fucked up) my body and mind. If that isn’t bad enough, I’ll start to think I’ll never recover. Let’s be honest, recovery is  in no way shape or form easy. It wasn’t designed to be easy, and therefore, it is like a long and winding bumpy road of highs and lows. On the other hand, it can give me a calm peace and state of mind. I read others and it empowers my eagerness to recover. This leads to another huge point that I’ve been experiencing ever since my huge relapse back in January. I have a few things in my life that bring me to this mellow place within my subconscious. Am I the only one? I inquired this to my therapist on Tuesday because I was convinced others might go through this crazy notion. Let me explain, I can read or watch or hear certain things that brings me to a state where I am open and at ease with myself and situations. For example, I am not one who watches a lot of television. However, I find that when I do watch the tele, I watch shows (Evidently, by observing the trend of topics, they all deal with being a women and dealing with the ups and downs.) Perhaps this is because my mother and I never had the greatest appreciation for one another. I don’t have that strong woman influence in my life. Furthermore, all the women I do have within my life don’t really know how to embrace their womanhood. If by chance, they do, they don’t really express it openly. Ultimately, I adore three shows in particular. The Golden Girls, Sex and the City, and Girls. In my case, this is rather strange for I’ve never been entertained by a television show as much as Sex and the City. I’m not the type of lad who appreciated embracing womanhood in the respect of glamorizing yourself much like the characters in that show. Perhaps it was because my mother never really believed in that. Don’t get me wrong, I am not looking to shower myself in materialistic objects, however, it is nice to see how it is on the other side of the spectrum. When I was younger, I used to have this obsession with watching Gilmore Girls. Ironically, my life was the complete opposite of the relationships in that show. Do you “all” see a trend here? It gives me a reinforcement that yes, people and women in general, are in no way “perfect.” Society puts a sham on things that make us all human. We are told how to dress, how to carry ourselves, how to eat, what to eat, who to follow, how to look, how to talk. I swear, we are all incapable babies and society acts as the mother figure. This mother figure is misleading in a plethora of ways. Any who, I digress. I find solace in certain types of music and reading articles in certain magazines or through one of my many rants. Is this normal? This all leads me to think. It’s strange how one phrase or quote (Or anything listed above) can bring me to a place where I am capable of excluding all those irrational thoughts. Do any of you cats go through the same thing? Or am I just the book classified freak again? I find that as time progresses, I am more philosophical and capable/eager to speak up about such things on society and life in general. What is more, I am able to analyze what I read for myself and relay that information to others. Clearly, I am creating a firm stand on life and coming into my own. Until next time, defend what you know until others have no reason to refute what you say, lads. Take pride in what you know to be true, and stay classically proud.  🙂

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