Embracing Battle Scars

G’day lads, I apologize in advanced for not getting around to posting for quite some time. I’m currently under the dictatorship of finals. Horrah? With tomorrow being my final day in hell, I will be able to get to posting more over my summer vacation! It’s so surreal how everything is turning out. I was pondering what to write about next. A flood of ideals came into my subconscious, however, none of them really hit a nerve with me. All of a sudden, the other night I was sitting at my table reading over some emails and watching a movie when I felt a sharp burning sensation upon my arm. It felt like I cut myself and applied heat to the area for a few seconds. Sequentially, every time the fabric from my shirt would rub itself against my arm, the same sensation introduced itself to my skin. Following this happening repeatedly, I peered down at what looked like a cut on my arm. How did that get there? When did this happen? I was confused which brought me back to two dark moments in my life. Over the winter, I hit some really low points. I recalled the moment I stood in my kitchen with a knife to my arm for the first time. I never EVER thought in my whole life I would be in such a conflicting state to which I felt the only way out of a shitty situation was to cause self harm. This one cut on my arm, caused me to recall the single most repulsive time in my life. These were the times when I was desperate enough to get out of a relationship, ultimately pushing me to cut. I pondered this a bit further the other night. What was a feeling? Why did I cut? Was there an underlying notion for cutting? Was I even the type of person who would resort to cutting? The answers were all rather clear. I wasn’t feeling anything because my relationship drained me of any soul, I cut to make sure I was feeling. Symbolically, the blood was my overwhelming emotions pouring out of me. Of course I hated the feeling and was not the type of kid who would resort to this. I am a strong person. Not to say individuals who resort to self inflicting harm are not strong. Such victims of self harm are the stronger of our populace who held up this strong front for far too long and seek relief in different ways. Inflicting harm is in no way condoned by myself, however, it is their methodology of coping. Let me further state that if you or anyone you know is confined to harming themselves, please seek help from someone in which you trust or know. No one should have to live under such circumstances. I know that when in a time of peril, I hold a fortified vanguard. In reality, anyone is subject to inflict self harm to themselves, however, I normally would confide in my books or walking. Another persisting reason for my inflictions were in part due to the fact that if I am told not to do something, I will only want to do it more. I wanted to make a point, I wanted to prove that yes, I will go through with what I say I will do. I wasn’t just all words. During the time, I was heated and frustrated. I was exhausted from just hearing words and not seeing actions.  It was those type of moments where if I backed down on the cusp or climax of the tension, it would just look pointless. Don’t be misguided here, lads, I am not led by my emotions during heated situations, however, I needed to prove my point of making actions instead of words. I needed to show that I show and take a stand through actions, not words.  Some may say I needed instant gratification. I considered this fully, however, if I really wanted to receive instant gratification, I would do so by running or writing. Whats more, when I was going about the whole process, it was like a blur. Evidently, I was not thinking whilst irrationally acting out. Perhaps because if my subconscious knew what I was up to, I wouldn’t have gone through with it. Furthermore, I realize that I felt pressured in doing this. It may sound like an insane or bizarre notion, but considering the situation, it is a valid. On both occasions, following the pain and blood, all I could think about was other people that held a place in my life who caused harm to themselves. All those beautiful people who felt they needed an escape. Despite acting in ways that I wouldn’t normally act, I felt some sense of why they resorted to harming themselves. This lead me to consider what I was exposed to throughout prior years. I was always the friend who heard about my other friends or acquaintances cutting or burning (generally inflicting self harm upon themselves). I tried to console them through rough times, through the abuse, the neglect, the depths of despair that was embedded in their spirit at those devious moments of their life. I knew I was not programmed to take on such harm when after I felt no satisfaction. It was a turn off for me. Typically, when others recall when they experienced their “escape”, they express strong pleasure and allurement to the instant gratification of administering autonomic infliction.  And it hit me. I am a creature derived from experiences. Whether it be positive or negative, all of my adventures and misadventures, have lead me to this current standing in my life now. Over the past few days, I’ve had time to ponder all of my misfortunes. I made a list of confessions so to say. It was interesting due to the simple fact that the misfortunes fortified my structure of personal character more so than my misfortunes.. The positive factors placed in my life are just a reinforcement of sorts. In some respects, it is a motivation or encouragement to compensate for the mishaps or undesired occurrences. Its a balance of wills so to say. The method to my madness here is that all situations presented to us further builds on our individuality.  Surely, the anatomy of our disposition lies within our initial origins. Such origins are configured with both fortunes as well as misfortunes.  Until next time, lads, enjoy your fortunes, but embrace your misfortunes for what its worth. 🙂

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