Into the Depths of ANA

Whether you're the big girl (told you're too fat) or the thin girl (told you're too skinny) you feel inadequate all the same.

G’day lads and loves! I hope all goes well in your worlds. 🙂 During my lowest point of anorexia, thoughts crept in that taunted me daily. Here is a sample day of what she put me through:

Wake up. Unplug outlet. Check phone. Why are you up? Doesn’t matter. Keep going. Make list of what you have to get done for your day. Flex stomach to sit up. Pause. Wait two seconds for the the blacking out to stop. Keep going. Don’t stop. Stand up. Wait for your heart to stop racing. Keep going. Don’t stop. Put on robe. Go to the bathroom.

Try to remember what to do next. Go back into bedroom. Get towels, turn on shower. Hang towels on second hook. Always. Hot water first then cold. Wash hair. Shampoo. Conditioner. Stand there. Try to move. Come on, move you lazy fuck. Why can’t you move? You have energy. Come on or I won’t let you eat later. There. Now, scrub your face. Burn more calories, shave. Scrub body off to rid of all your disgusting feelings. Turn off hot water and wait until its freezing. There, burning more calories. Stand there for a minute. Turn off shower. Step out and wait for your heart to stop racing. There you go. Now,  dry your face. Pause. Wait for heart to stop speeding up and dry your arms. Pause. Now your stomach, legs, back. Take a deep breath. Move over to sink and brush teethe. DO NOT accidentally eat the tooth paste. Its poison.  Water, mouth wash, water.

Get dressed in the bathroom so your family doesn’t see your exposed bare boney arms. It’s still a work in progress after all so don’t let them get in the way of losing more weight. Perfection. Two bras, underwear, two pairs of pants, baggy sweat pants, two shirts, one baggy sweatshirt, fuzzy socks, floppy hat to cover ears. Pray that no one will notice. Back into the bedroom. Light on. Radio, Q104.3. Always. Makeup. Eyes. Concealer to cover up bags and bruises. Eyeliner to make eyes sparkle. Add blush to give you some color. More blush the better. Cover, cover, cover. Look alive. Stretch. Ab exercises while blowing out hair. Ignore your heart. Ignore the negative thoughts, keep going. It will do you good. Final ab exercises for now. Make sure you have everything.

Go downstairs, avoid everyone to dodge any questions. You can’t keep a conversation anyway. You forget what to say in between questions because your mind goes blank and you blur out. You stupid fool. “What did you eat today?” Quick. Lie. Make up something that sounds “normal”. Add stuff like nuts or fish. Don’t say something stupid like pizza. Yeah, like they’ll believe you in that. 3:00 p.m. Lunch time. Six pieces of Oscar Mayer turkey. 45 calories. Weak. Disgusting. Either sleep, go on computer, or bake/cook for everyone else. Hah, like you’ll eat what others eat. ****BLUR OUT****

7:00-8:00 p.m. Dinner. Two hard boiled eggs **sometimes** one or if you absolutely need to two cups of Progresso light soup. 120 calories max. WEAK. MORON. BITCH. YOU STUPID FOOL. ALL THAT YOU DO TO WORK THIS SHIT OFF. YOU RUINED YOURSELF LIKE YOU DO EVERYTHING ELSE. EATING IS FOR THE WEAK, THE UNMOTIVATED. THOSE WITHOUT CONTROL. Fine, you want to eat? The more you eat the more you work out later. Hell, you did it to yourself. Hours go by slow. Drag yourself upstairs to face your punishment. Try to say goodnight to parents. Try to look them in the eyes. You can’t. No contact. Go into bedroom, turn off lights. Ab workouts. Crunches, bridge, in and outs, heels to the sky, so many more. Decision of whether to sleep on the floor or drag yourself into bed. Ugh, too many decisions. Get into bed. Before you lay down touch knees. Nope, didn’t feel enough bones. Keep touching knees until you feel accomplished. Feel stomach. Not much there, sunken in. Skin so frail, hair thinning, nails falling apart. Brittle. Think about mom and dad trying to sleep next door. Here them worried. Listen to dad get up every hour standing on the opposite side of your door making sure you are still alive. Lay there and cry because you don’t know if you will wake up tomorrow. Your heart can’t take much more. Racing heart, racing thoughts. OCD. Realizing you have to repeat this all tomorrow. Realize you WANT to die. Dying sounds so good right about now because you know its so much better than where you are now. You’re weak. HELP. ANYONE. GET ME OUT OF THIS PLACE.

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